This last week has been rough.... one of those weeks where I'm really having to push through just to put one foot in front of the other. This afternoon I dragged myself to my studio, knowing it's all I needed to do... to dip my fingers in paint and trust that something could happen if I just showed up. (A willing spirit, right? Isn't that what I posted last time? Despite the resistance, I still believe so). After a few hours of stepping into my painting, doing my best to empty my mind, to think only of the feeling of paint on my hands and a brush in my hand... I stopped. I sat in my chair, starring at my paint covered hands. It felt intense... I'm not even sure what words could describe it. Whilst in that space, where there is no divide between body, mind, spirit, paint... it feels so complete and so right. And then, sometimes I sit down, looking at the canvas and wonder, really? That's what came out of that? Sometimes the waves of doubt can feel so debilitating. I couldn't help but think: do I even know what I'm doing? ... and the answer is, NO. I'm forced to realise... that maybe THAT. IS. THE. POINT.
I'm not supposed to know.
I don't know about you but not knowing is one of the things that induces fairly significant levels of fear and anxiety for me. I'm not always wanting to admit it, but *ahm* if I'm really honest I guess I'd say that most of the time I like to feel in control (haha).
So I guess the message that came from my studio today was simply that... I'm not supposed to know. We are not necessarily supposed to know every detail, every solution, every outcome. (In my head I hear the words, trust, faith, trust, faith, trust kind of on a loop). It was kinda the perfect message for where I'm at right now... and sitting here writing to you has really helped me fully listen and hear it (thank you!). As hard as it is... sometimes we really do have to lean in a trust and let go of the need to know. We all know that is so much easier said than done... I don't know about you, but I know I have a long way to go to getting there but I'm going to just keep trying.
AND... I'm going to make sure I notice moments of total gratitude... such as seeing this sweet little painting, She Is, in her sweet new home... I LOVE when I get to see my paintings all set up in their homes. It's so special! Thanks Sandra for sharing it with me!
Wishing you all a beautiful week...
Lots of love & light,