Some of you may know this about me already... but for those of you who don't:
I can be a massively terrible over-thinker. I can be a terrible worrier.
Anyone else have this problem?
When I'm in check, and steady in my core, this isn't such a big problem... it's easier to identify when an over-active mind goes into overdrive and starts creating what Brene Brown refers to as "confabulations" when you're in a good place. Less so when you've been shaken...when you've taken a fall emotionally. I've talked before about stories and how I believe we either consciously or unconsciously create stories about ourselves, about others, about our circumstances. So reading her book, Brene's words hit me hard - you know, when you kinda already know something and then you are reminded: It's like a huge THUD in your heart... as in, "how did I miss that this is what I have been doing?"
But then, I've been in the middle of it all... (and I'm not certain I'm done being in the middle...). In Brene's book she quotes this:
"When you are in the middle of the story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass and splintered wood; like a house in a whirlwind..."
- Margaret Atwood, Alias Grace.
Can you relate to that, to what it's like to be in the 'middle' of a story?
The realisation feels disheartening and optimistic at the same time. It's disheartening to feel as though after so much time you are still dealing with the same 'confabulations', the same stories. Though recognising the stories, gives me a sense of optimisim. They might be the same stories but I am certainly not the same...we all change over time and perhaps I can weather the middle of this story a little differently. Perhaps if we can bring awareness to it, even if we can't see the ending yet, we can become aware of the main plots in this story and begin to shift them. For example, mine looks like: "I'm probably going to disappoint everyone", "it's unrealistic to follow this dream", and the biggest one I've realised very recently... "I'm not worthy to be seen". This translates to negative beliefs such as I'm a disappointment. I don't deserve to live my dreams. I'm not worthy. Beliefs that are not grounded in anything but confabulations; made up stories and assumptions based on fear. I'd rather not turn those into reality, thank you... and the only alternative is to face them and find a way of re-writing them. It's not easy to write this, but maybe it's worth being vulnerable in these stories. My experience has been that when I share these stories, they tend to lose their power signficantly.
"The most dangerous stories we make up are the narratives that diminish our inherent worthiness. We must reclaim the truth about our lovability, divinity and creativity."
With these thoughts swirling through my mind, I think of the times over the past few weeks when I have made my way back to the canvas. It's not always easy, it doesn't alway feel graceful. Resistance can be sly, it seems to find new tricks all the time for keeping me from doing what I need most. Over time I'm learning how to notice it and to know when I need to push my way through, even though it might be the last thing I feel like doing. Inevitably as soon as I actually put paint to canvas the weight of those negative stories lessens... they become quieter. They begin to give way to messages of possibility, hope, faith: stories that resonate with my soul's truth. What would happen if we gave ourselves permission to entertain the idea of these stories instead of our own false 'confabulations'? What would happen if you allowed yourselve to believe in your own worth?
This week I'm leaning into the truth that each moment brings the possibility to re-align ourselves with our innate Truths, to let go of limiting stories, to take risks, to push against what is comfortable, to embrace mistakes as new perspectives and to trust the whole messy process of all of these things combined.
Where are you at? What truths are you finding hard to hear lately? I'm curious...what helps you when you feel yourself rumbling with the middle of a messy story?
Peace, Love & Light to you all...
P.S. By the way, I totally didn't plan on writing about this... I had planned to write a little catch up on what I've been painting lately... funny how that happens sometimes when I start writing. I'm going to fight the urge to delete everything and trust that there was a reason these words spilled out. xx