I'm here.

March 25, 2015

I am here, friends. 

 

There is more truth in that tiny sentence than I can actually really explain right now. Bare with me, little steps will have to do for now. 

 

I noticed I haven't posted here since January - and so I'm taking the step to reconnect with this practice of writing and being present. 

 

At the end of January life kind of threw me off guard - actually, quite literally I was tumbled off my perch. Tumbled seems like too much of a gentle word, to be honest. Since then I've been gradually finding my way and doing my best to listen in at the same time. I guess you could say that my whole belief system has been put to the test and I have been stretched and pulled and forced to confront myself in ways that I have avoided for a very long time. It has been completely disorientating... shattering... confusing. Yet at the same time it has been a kind of awakening, as my whole perception has been shifted.

 

What I have felt and what I have heard in my heart have been conflicting. I have felt the overwhelming momentum of life, often finding myself reeling at how fast everything feels. And the message I keep hearing is that I need slowness. And compassion. Finding a way to find slowness when you feel like time is just speeding past you at an incalcuable rate is a challenge. I have been forced, in many ways and in many moments. I have been forced to accept my human limitations. To accept that sometimes it is just not possible to achieve it all and to achieve it all perfectly. But I am learning that I can show up, and I can ask myself to be present and to just do my best in that moment. To show myself compassion with every step forward, and especially with the steps that feel backwards. 

 

{My studio. The healing qualities and paint and colour bring breath and light to my soul more than I could ever truly express through words.}

 

I am still in this process of healing, and it's hard to admit that so openly here. I have been reminded of just how much we are capable of storing and hiding emotions and experiences within our bodies and hearts. It has taken an extreme 'push' for me to acknolwedge that and to open myself to what I am needing to hear. What I can tell you is that it is completely NECESSARY to acknolwedge the messy and imperfect parts of ourselves and to face them...and forgive them. What I can tell you is that we need one another... connection to others makes it possible for light to shine in where it can't otherwise. (Just to be clear, I don't mean you need to tell everyone you meet your deepest hardest truths, but you will know the right people to let in at the right time). The kind of vulnerability that comes from this feels crippling as it exposes things we would rather leave buried and ignored. But it is necessary. Only then can we truly release ourselves from what hinders us, what keeps us from healing and being aligned to our Truth in a more complete way. I know this, yet it is far more complex than it sounds. This is where I am standing now... somewhere within that process of acknowledging, opening, releasing and healing. Spiraling in and out. I am choosing to hold tightly to what I know I believe and to show compassion to myself as I navigate my way through what feels like a tangled web of thoughts, fears and emotions. I'm remembering that it is ok. And that it's ok when it feels utterly not ok. Sit with it. Allow those moments - spiral in and out - because all those moments matter and are here to speak to us. I'm grateful I have the support and love of others to remind me when I forget:Compassion, compassion, compassion. 

 

 {Spirals symbolise so much and I really can't stop painting them. The words that resonate deeply at the moment - journeying, connectivity, awareness, surrender, release, balance, expansion, and unity.}

 

I am here, I am present.

 

x x x

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