I deleted my blog a little while ago, thinking it was somehow irrelevant. Perhaps it was my frustration at setting myself and expectation to post in a particular way that I was somewhat "failing" at.
But, wait, stop. I hear my heart say. Let's get back to the heart of the matter.
What is this space, if not for sharing this journey in whatever form it seems to be taking? Perhaps this space is for me, my soul, my heart, my mind. And perhaps it is for you, too. Wherever you are, reading this... if you found your way here then I am trusting that I have something to say that may touch your heart in some way. That this space can be a place of connection.
Oh, my, that word. TRUST. Here it is bubbling to the surface yet again... along with the words, "Oh ye of little faith".
Finding moments to set aside for this practice of writing has been a challenge.. but I'm determined and so here I am, sleeping baby in my arms and ready to allow space for my thoughts to flow.
Painting with a newborn is creating some interesting challenges for me, but also it is a whole new level of learning too. I'm trying my best to stay open and receptive to the types of messages and 'lessons' that are emerging in the midst of this new dance between the realities of mumma-hood and all the other demands of life. I'm choosing as often as I can to view everything with a sense of curiosity, and it has allowed some interesting 'ah-ha' moments.
Where I once could spend hours in my studio painting and contemplating and listening in for 'soul messages', now I find myself having to practice the f...
New life as a mumma has come with all kinds of challenges so far but it has also given me a totally new perspective. Perhaps the fact that for the past 8 weeks I've been absorbed in this sleep-deprived-new-baby-time-warp has given me a 'step back' that has allowed me to look at things with new eyes. While chatting with a friend I realised just how much has changed since I first started a blog, about 5 years ago (I think). Back then, for me, it was a courageous act that took me right out of my comfort zone. It was a challenge I set myself. It was a way of giving myself a voice and a way of stepping more fully into my own soul work. It became a spiritual practice. A way of keeping myself accountable, of paying close attention and receiving and integrating the messages I was receiving through...
I've been easing myself into this year a little more gently than I usually do (hence it's almost February and this is my first post!). I realised early into the year that I had no choice really but to surrender to the fact that I needed to do that. Slowly, I have been diving deeper to observe and reflect on where I really am at. It takes patience to really do this... patience and compassion. Can you relate? Or maybe you've been making yourself busy and haven't allowed yourself that time. What happens if you slow down long enough to notice what you are telling yourself on a daily basis? Is it uncomfortable? Scary? Unnerving? Or is it kind, understanding, positive? I've been remembering what Elizabeth Gilbert talks about in her book BIG MAGIC... about getting curious.
This is the word that has been challenging me over the past few weeks. It seems to tumble around, fleeting from moment to moment, difficult to grasp on to and hold tightly. This is how it has felt, but today (deep breath), today I am noticing an ever-s0-slight shift. It is a shift in my own awareness, my own intention, my own focus.
It is a re-remembering of truth.
A reminder to take a step back and look closely at the stories I am telling myself. The ones that are standing out the most alarmingly are the "I don't deserve" ones. The ones that tell me that hoping is dangerous and will only lead to being hurt.
But no. This is not truth, it is not in alignment with what I believe - at all. So the search begins. In quiet, in contemplation, in consideration.
This last week has been rough.... one of those weeks where I'm really having to push through just to put one foot in front of the other. This afternoon I dragged myself to my studio, knowing it's all I needed to do... to dip my fingers in paint and trust that something could happen if I just showed up. (A willing spirit, right? Isn't that what I posted last time? Despite the resistance, I still believe so). After a few hours of stepping into my painting, doing my best to empty my mind, to think only of the feeling of paint on my hands and a brush in my hand... I stopped. I sat in my chair, starring at my paint covered hands. It felt intense... I'm not even sure what words could describe it. Whilst in that space, where there is no divide between body, mind, spirit, paint... it...
At the beginning of this year I set the intention that I wanted to EXPAND myself consciously through my painting process and to be SEEN on this journey. Despite feeling deep resistance to this, often, my soul seems to find ways to guide me outside of my comfortable little studio bubble to make this happen... even when I'd rather stay hidden. This is how I found myself signing up for the RAWartist showcase in Sydney, which happened last Friday. Before I had a chance to over-think (as I often do) I had signed up and booked the show. The whole time leading up to the showcase I felt the pull of resistance and more than a handful of times I wondered how I could just pull out of it. But I was committed to it. I knew I needed to get there, to push through... to be willing to...
I've been so quiet lately, I know. I naturally feel the need to apologise, but I hope you will understand.Sometimes it is all too easy to get bogged down in the how's and why's and what if's and should I'sthat it's easy to become discouraged or disheartened.I know I can be impatient and once I make my mind up about something I want it to manifestnow. Or at least, see the progress. Perhaps it's because I believe so fiercely in the process of what I do, the soul work. So today, I want to just sharewhat I'm learning, or should I say, "re-remembering":
Sometimes the progress is silent.
Dreams must firstunfurl
sinkroots in the deepestplace of your being
in yourenergetic, spiritual, emotional, physical...
I have recently been doing a lot of thinking about this space... the online world of websites, blogs, social media platforms. I know it is such a gift that we have in today's world, to be able to connect with others whether near or far in ways that we couldn't otherwise, and I'm super grateful for that. I'm just feeling this slight sense of removal... there has felt like there has been some kind of barrier that I haven't quite been able to put my finger on. I hope you'll bare with me while I try figuring it out... I'm going to be changing the way that I write here, I think. It's a scary thought, but my deepest, deepest, heart-centred, soul-centred desire is that my art can bring light and joy to your heart, that I can connect in a genuine and authentic way in the journey tha...
Honestly, I've been thinking about this blog post for the past couple of weeks. It may have started whilst I was sitting in a cafe in Ubud, Bali, or even on the plane as I flew over the most incredible Australian desert landscape. The inspiration was flowing, but the thoughts that were crossing my mind were fairly incoherent really. Basically I found myself wondering, how can I be honest, authentic and presentwhen I feel like such a mess...
It always feels like a fine balancing act, knowing how much to say, how vulnerable to make myself publicly...but it all comes down to the belief that we have to accept our own "human-ness". Don't you agree? The expectations we hold of ourselves are sometimes so out of whack. At the end of the day, we are all human. And guess what?